Saturday, December 18, 2010
Lost in the dark abyss and there is no guarentee i'll escape this void I've found myself in.
My parents dont know what to do with me, they think I'm using drugs.
The reality is there is something deeply broken inside me that cant be fixed.
Something is missing, the key to happiness is no where to be found; and it scares me.
Am I doomed to walk this plane alone?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I've had three attacks in two days and i dont know why im so easily set off of late.
It honest to god scares me, makes it easier to not eat, but it hurts so much emotionally.
After Jared i promised i'd never give anyone the chance to hurt me again, but last nite occurred to me just how much i feel for Jack and i just cant deal atm. Thats what my attack was over last nite when he was asleep, im so scared that i'll be back to where i started that i started to think bout ending it before he has the chance.
But he makes me so happy, but i know it'll never be anything more, and i need to be in control of this situation but i lost control of the wheel a long time ago i think.
Still 48kg, still struggling with food.
I still feel like i have a huge elephant sitting on my chest.
I wanna run away again.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
And gem, i got that dress from dotti, if ur in australia its still in stock =)
Well, got my belly button pierced yesterday, pretty random thing, but it happened.
Finally got it done coz its gives me incentive not to let myself get bigger again, and plus my tummy is finally flat enough again.
Still 48 kg, haven't eaten yet today but i made a pork curry cutting out all the fat i could, and i'll only have a snack size of it and let the rest of the fam binge on it.
Going to the gym after i drop the ice cream pie i made into jacks. ( i like to cook, but i give my food away to save calories and temtation)
So yea, hopefully by monday i'll see 47. Not eating 2moz, going to a party and i'd say i wont have time to eat sat nite coz i work close.
Wish me luck! Hope ur doing well!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
These days im too busy to eat, just smoke and drink coffee to keep me going.
Ate for the first time since friday, just had to much to do and so little time so i never got round to it, rathered sleep.
Things in life are good, moving out in 6 weeks with some mates =)
Boy is good, still seeing others tho.
Work is pretty tough and the long days are taking their toll but i like it.
have no idea wat my weight is and i dont wanna know, when i feel more comfortable i'll weigh in.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
When suddenly out of nowhere the lust we once had to live this life in a healthy, in a undestructive way disappears as fast as you can count to 2.
For some of us there have been many moments like this, that make us believe that no-one else cares of our wellbeing so why should we or that we will only be loved by those we most crave it if and only when we see that number at its lowest.
My point is, i no longer care...i dont wanna have an eating disorder because i dont, but i dont care anymore if my food choices are destructive and hurting me. How can anyone expect me to be happy if all i can think about day and night how my body is getting bigger and bigger because i cant do anything about it, because they tell me i dont need to.
This whole week has been a struggle, the boy has complicated it so im gonna not care about him too, we all know he's not gonna stick around so fuck him.
I will shrink and i dont care who i hurt doing it this time.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Did 20 mins cardio as warm up and cool down and all my upper body weights =) ( good effort considering how long i haven't worked out)
All i've had today so far is a BL shake so 208 cals. will eat more later on.
Life has been messy of late, had a car accident on the weekend.
So... im out 7 grand, but i'll be fine. Was so lucky tho, was extremely hungova and lucky the chick i hit didn't wanna call the police coz my parents vouched for me that i could pay for her car and my own no probs, thank fuck tho, would've got done for dui.
Learnt my lesson tho, always take the day off after a nite out so i have no reason for driving.
The nite before it was awesome tho, went out in newy and got fucking smashed, was still hitting it hard on the train home with tron doing scoth whiskey shots =) Jack also really wanted me that nite so my plan worked as always.
Me and the boy are fine, still dont want a relationship and either does he so we're on the same page atm, but i must confess, i do have feelings for him, which i didn't expect.
People at work know now, and his ex ( who we also work with and who is a 17 yr old brat) is making trouble of it. He broke up with her and she moved onto his mate and now she keeps posting shit on fb about how jack screwed her over and i stole him from her, when they broke up months b4 jack and i even hooked up, hate the bitch. wonder what her current bf thinks of the situation?
In a finaicial bind atm, pretty much not gonna have a social life till my car is fixed and i've replaced my savings ( for a house deposit), but hey thats ok, i'll survive.
Weighing in at 51.6 kg today, not so much worried bout the weight right now, just tone, as my clothes look margins better when i am tight and not round.
Pretty much it for now, sorry í haven't been posting, life is busy and its hard to find time when ur on the go all the time.
Will make more effort i promise =)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Not much has been happening, my weight has dropped to 51 but im flabbier then eva.
Been having alot of sex, with the one boy, but it'll never lead to more.
Been drinking way too much, to the point of i dont remember the nites.
thats it for now, i dont have time to write more, life is getting busy.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Binging has been out of control of late. Been smokin like a chimney also which is feral.
Been having fun with a boy from work, we'll call him JV, i went to his birthday party two weeks ago and it pretty much started from there, we were in newy near customs sitting on the grass he was a good 30 metres from me, and i announced to the four ppl sitting with me " i really want jack right now" and it got back to him when i disappeared into the northern for shots...its fun. I like having a secret at work ( we're not telling ppl coz we're not together).
Anywayz today i went for a run =) and i've only had a quarter of my 96 cal yoghurt cup...trying to drink lots of water so i can convince my body it is full but watevs.
Im on close tonight so not binging wont be hard =)
thats it for now.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
This didn't happen, i ended up having a few drinks coz my older brother ( herion addict ) was coming down and kept psyching up at me i needed something to kill the anxiety that comes when he gets that way. I dont even know why he's here, when i moved back home the deal with the rents was he had to go for me to come back, but still at 19, im putting up with my 33 yr old bros shit.
Anyway i didn't drink alot, i wasn't even drunk...and i managed not to hook up with anyone, my motto was indulge in booze not boys, but i did have a few try and took it abit personal when i would push them away and turn my head. Anywayz went home round 2 am...did not sleep at all and i was supposed to work at 10.15 and i felt so crook it wasn't funny, so i ended up calling in sick, i felt so guilty.
Anywayz last nite went out for chinese with the family, i hadly ate anything coz i didn't want any, later on i went ova to matts with the boys and girls and ended up going to the movies...was pretty fun. I love chill nites =)
So im kinda starting to hate food, like i do not like it at all, lately i've been skipping meals coz what i would normally have is disgusting me...food just doesn't taste good anymore, hopefully this will prevent binges if this behaviour keeps up.
So today I got called into work, so i haven't had time to workout given its raining but so far all i've had is a slice of toast with jam so i'll estimate 130? ( the bread is from the bakery so its high in cals) i was gonna have a Biggest loser shake after work ( 208 cals) but i really dont want it...but i need the cals.
We're having pea ham soup for dinner, so cals wont be out of hand today.
So replies to comments:
Raynay: Its ok, lecturing is needed lol. I did take the morning after pill, but the lady told me it is only 85% effective, and i'm more worried bout the risk of std and sti's...but im pretty sure i couldn't get pregnant at that time of the month anywayz so it should be good.
Pokerface and Harlow: Thanks for the photo comments, ur both gorgeous!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Of course there are the nites where i have the weird dreams like when a chick locked me on top of a sky scaper and preceded to throw away all the food i would try to eat and left me there to starve and die. But most days my dreams are happier and more positive then life now days.
The last two days have been meh, not terrible but not bad...the cold weather isn't helping either.
So i joined a site tonight that allows you to ask me questions and such without revealing who you are...looked like fun so i thought why not lol... http://www.formspring.me/Rhianna91.
I may head out tonight sober and try and burn some cals...Hope Daniel isn't out.
I've been kinda worrying alot lately that i may have fallen pregnant, like me and daniel had one nite but we had sex four times and all without a condom, which is stupid.
Told you im not the same person i was before.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
So much has happened since my last post and i cant even begin to explain all the shit that has been going on.
Well im no longer in the 40's, im actually weighing in at 52kg, which is amzing considering all the bingeing and drinking im been doing in the last 2 months...
For the last two days i have managed to be good, staying under 1000 calories, working out...i dont think i need to lose weight anymore, but i need to regain control.
Today I ate
- 1 wholemeal crumpet wit 12g jam
- small banana
- a can of tuna ( only ate a lil bit tho)
- a Biggest loser shake
- and minestrone soup
That totals to around 550 i think...
Im on close tonight so i'll probably have watevs the fam has made me for dinner so i should come in under 1000 or just a lil over.
I'll post a photo 2moz, im not huge but im frumpy which is the worst.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Fasted friday and yesterday, drank a bit of alcohol yesterday tho coz i went to a new found glory concert in sydney...but other then that no extra cals.
New found was amazing!! Definately best concert i've eva been to, and they can actually sing awesome live and sound like they do on their records uno. Gettin home at 6 am was a killer tho, ended up crashing at the 'my ex's sisters house, love those girls =)
broke my fast today wit a frozen yoghurt...probably have a baked dinner with the fam tonight also coz im startin to look a little gaunt for me ( alot of people said so last night =$) so im gonna have to or questions will be asked.
Start back at work this week, so keepin in control will be easier coz i wont be sitting at home most of the day bored, plan for 2moz is to get up eat a good breakfast go for a run...then try and minimise the cals from there on.
Weigh in is tuesday, hopefully i'll keep this up by then.
Hope u all had an awesome and safe w/e =)
Saturday, April 3, 2010
So went to a party on thursday nite and got trashed, drank a whole bottle of southern comfort by myself ( probably why my immune system is shit atm) but i met another boy named Dan =) he was very nice, shame he has a gf, i know what i did was wrong, but i dont regret it at all, feel sorry for his girl tho. There was a huge fight at this party, ruined everyones nite, my mate walked into the bedroom while dan and i were hooking up and completly ovareacted so i lost a mate that nite which sucked but he's an arrogant prick so watevs, he cant get be mad at me for this coz he had a similiar situation wit my friend last yr.
last nite had a party here which i bailed on, left everyone in my backyard and went to bed sober at 11...thats when i started gettin sick lol...
Food has been ok the last few days...just too much alcohol i think.
Hope everyone had a safe and happy w/e =)