Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Battle of the exes

I would like to thank you for your lovely comments yesterday. Especially Sam lupin. :)

Things today are better if you could call it that. I haven't eaten today, but I honestly just can't.

My boyfriend told me he's going to his ex's to finalise his tax....that hurts. They were together for 6 years and he talks to her, admits he still has feelings for her and expects me to be fine with him seeing her. 

I'm sorry but I can't be fine with that, I will never be fine with it. And he has no guilt on how it affects me .
I know it sounds selfish but he should care right? I feel the way I feel and I can't help that. I hide it as best as I can but it eats away at me. 

I find myself comparing. Like I'm not as calm as she was, I'm not skinnier than her anymore. I can't even let myself think somehow, I'm  better than her , because I'm not.

And the worst part is I can't say anything, because it hurts him when I doubt him. 

I had an on/off relationship with my ex for 4 years, and I can honestly say I have no love for him. Hell , I left him to be with my current boyfriend. 

I think that's why I'm so scared of him leaving me. I gave up something that I thought made me happy for a better relationship, but one where I feel vulnerable, and lucky to have someone so special to love me. 

A relationship I'm sure if does end, will be the undoing of me. I never wanted someone as much as I do him. 

I'm not asking for advice, I guess I just need an outlet, so I don't let it ruin my relationship. It's hard keeping it all inside sometimes. It's hard to act happy when I keep it all in. 

I'm gonna try and eat later, I'm run down and cold. Don't think I can until I see him after his seen her. Just wish they didn't have to still get along.

I'll stop the rambling now. Hopefully this helped me in some way. 


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Been a long time...

Never thought I'd find myself back on here, but I feel like I have no one to talk to right now, at least no one who wants to listen. So here I am.

Things concerning life have been okay. I'm in a new relationship, and it makes me happy. But I still find myself wildly insecure, and it's ruining it. 
I know the things I do and say are wrong and annoying, but I can't help it. When things feel different, like it's all slipping away, I crumble. 
I'm making the same mistakes I always do. Sometimes I just wish he would reassure me, let me know he isn't going anywhere. It scares me to death the thought of him leaving me. 

So as it always does, these feelings trigger a relapse...I'm not eating, and haven't been for the last few weeks...the only time I do is with him or if I feel weak. 
I'm exercising a lot, last week I woke up through the night and did sit-ups and planks while he slept and left after....
In 3 months I've gone from 69-60kg. Reasonable for 3 months, but I want to lose more, and I wish I could do it the healthy way...but right now I can't. 

People who have never dealt with this wouldn't say that's abnormal with the way you feel, but I've stood here many times before and I can feel myself slipping, the scales are starting to rule again and it's not comforting this time round. It's scary as fuck!

I'm 23. I should know by now that I can't control everything, and when I can't, I know better than to do what I have been doing. I can't talk about it, no one wants to hear it. It's "attention seeking". 
So I will keep quiet, deal with it and hope for the best. 

I wish I knew how I got to be this way.