Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Stats and scattered thoughts.

So I finally got around to doing my stats, so every wednesday will be weigh in day for me.

Im really not impressed with them atm, I've put on about 10 cm every where =(

Anyway so here goes....

Weight: 58kg
Bust: 91 cm
Abs: 86cm
Arms: 26.5 cm
thighs: 56cm
Butt: 99 cm
Neck: 34cm
They are disgusting, but this is my starting point and I will lose this weight again.
Im still watching portion sizes and will start walking and gyming tomorrow.
So not much has been happening, got a doctors appointment today...just a check up.
I've only had breakfast so far, not sure what else to eat today.
Any ideas?
My breakfast was yummy tho =)
Hmm I'm so boring atm, might go read some blogs, will report later how my day went =)

Friday, October 12, 2012

Last Night...

Something bad happened.

My boyfriend read my blog and was really hurt by my post about him.

He thought I was unhappy with him, not everything else, when its the complete opposite.

I love him more than anything, I did not put my self through 2 years of bullshit and hurt to finally be in a commited relationship then just say "hey, see you later".

I got better because he came into my life.

Just sometimes I wish things were different, like more romance, or he'd make more of an effort to spend time with me, not in the bedroom time, like lets go for an adventure time.

But in saying that, I fell in love with him...who he is. And when he fell in love with me I was a different person...I didn't need those things.

Kinda thinking the expression you want what you cant/dont have is coming into play here.

He probably thinks I'm so self centerted I want the world to revolve around me or something, but the truth is he makes me happy, and when we do things together, I'm happy in that moment.

I dunno...just rambling on here.

So...the not eating thing is crap. Decided I'm better off doing it the healthy way, not just for my sake, but the people around me, I become a very mean person well I fall back into my old habits.
And I cant afford to lose the people I have in my life.

So what I have been doing is watching my portion sizes and sticking to healthy options.
Still a little bloated but its getting there.

Anyway...hope everyone has a good weekend.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 1...

Been up since 4.30....all I've had is a coffee, not gonna eat till after work.

I'm 58kg....thats 14kg heavier than i was last time I was here.


Plan is to eat lunch and dinner, so no one can see the signs and go for a walk in the arvo after work.

I will get back to 44kg!

Wish me Luck.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

How I Feel...

I hate it when I feel a whirlwind of so many emotions...
Its like I dont know how to pick myself up off the ground because I dont know where to start...

I feel ugly...
I feel fat...
like I ask for too much...

Where the hell do I start ???

I dont know how I got here either, I know it sounds stupid but everything was so much simpler when I was sick.

I didnt love, I didnt care. My weight was my focus.

Im worried about my relationship, sometimes I feel like I cant stand up for myself cause I always get made out to be the bad guy. So I gave up, I smile and nod, and go along with what he wants.

I really miss my disorder, I dont know how else to deal with my emotions.

I dont know how to get through this like a normal person, and I think I will relapse.

Funny thing is, I dont even care...I just want to feel back in control.

Rhi. xx