Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Stats and scattered thoughts.

So I finally got around to doing my stats, so every wednesday will be weigh in day for me.

Im really not impressed with them atm, I've put on about 10 cm every where =(

Anyway so here goes....

Weight: 58kg
Bust: 91 cm
Abs: 86cm
Arms: 26.5 cm
thighs: 56cm
Butt: 99 cm
Neck: 34cm
They are disgusting, but this is my starting point and I will lose this weight again.
Im still watching portion sizes and will start walking and gyming tomorrow.
So not much has been happening, got a doctors appointment today...just a check up.
I've only had breakfast so far, not sure what else to eat today.
Any ideas?
My breakfast was yummy tho =)
Hmm I'm so boring atm, might go read some blogs, will report later how my day went =)

Friday, October 12, 2012

Last Night...

Something bad happened.

My boyfriend read my blog and was really hurt by my post about him.

He thought I was unhappy with him, not everything else, when its the complete opposite.

I love him more than anything, I did not put my self through 2 years of bullshit and hurt to finally be in a commited relationship then just say "hey, see you later".

I got better because he came into my life.

Just sometimes I wish things were different, like more romance, or he'd make more of an effort to spend time with me, not in the bedroom time, like lets go for an adventure time.

But in saying that, I fell in love with him...who he is. And when he fell in love with me I was a different person...I didn't need those things.

Kinda thinking the expression you want what you cant/dont have is coming into play here.

He probably thinks I'm so self centerted I want the world to revolve around me or something, but the truth is he makes me happy, and when we do things together, I'm happy in that moment.

I dunno...just rambling on here.

So...the not eating thing is crap. Decided I'm better off doing it the healthy way, not just for my sake, but the people around me, I become a very mean person well I fall back into my old habits.
And I cant afford to lose the people I have in my life.

So what I have been doing is watching my portion sizes and sticking to healthy options.
Still a little bloated but its getting there.

Anyway...hope everyone has a good weekend.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 1...

Been up since 4.30....all I've had is a coffee, not gonna eat till after work.

I'm 58kg....thats 14kg heavier than i was last time I was here.


Plan is to eat lunch and dinner, so no one can see the signs and go for a walk in the arvo after work.

I will get back to 44kg!

Wish me Luck.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

How I Feel...

I hate it when I feel a whirlwind of so many emotions...
Its like I dont know how to pick myself up off the ground because I dont know where to start...

I feel ugly...
I feel fat...
like I ask for too much...

Where the hell do I start ???

I dont know how I got here either, I know it sounds stupid but everything was so much simpler when I was sick.

I didnt love, I didnt care. My weight was my focus.

Im worried about my relationship, sometimes I feel like I cant stand up for myself cause I always get made out to be the bad guy. So I gave up, I smile and nod, and go along with what he wants.

I really miss my disorder, I dont know how else to deal with my emotions.

I dont know how to get through this like a normal person, and I think I will relapse.

Funny thing is, I dont even care...I just want to feel back in control.

Rhi. xx

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I got better, now I hate myself....

Its been 6 months since my last post.

So much has changed, I'm now in a committed relationship and living with my bf, J. Some of you may remember him from my previous posts.

I got better, my anti depressants I got put on for my anxiety, helped me to love who I am, I started to eat normally and everything was fine.

But now here I am at 56kg!!! The heaviest I have ever been in my life...if you asked me how it happened, I couldn't even tell you, it just kinda creeped up on me. Urgh!

So I'm coming back to the blog world for motivation. Not to starve myself but do this the healthy way so maybe I can stop this yo-yo-ing business.

Jack, my boyfriend is great, he understands and has started to drag my butt to the gym everyday, and cooks me amazing healthy meals, so I want to eat.
Im so incredibly lucky.

Im still a calorie counter, but I stick to my recommended cals, no more cutting back. I think I actually prefer this, I'm more motivated to exercise and do housework coz I'm not starving and tired all the time.

Anyway, I'll stop blabbering on. 

Its almost 2pm here and I have 900 cals left.

Today I had:

  • wholemeal crumpet with honey
  • 4 cruskits with vegimite
  • some sliced ham.
I plan on having an orange and a can of tuna later, plus whatever my lovely boyfriend cooks me.

And i will be doing 45 mins on the eliptical at the gym later.

Im actually excited =) 

Wish me luck, hope I drop this weight soon.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Quick update.

Yesterday I hung out with my bestie C.

We went to a cafe' then walked around all the beaches in newcastle. It was nice, good to get out of my bubble =)

Yesterday I had 2 coffees, 1/4 of this  cake thing and veggies for dinner. I think my stomach has shrunk though, I feel full after a few mouthfuls and I feel sick if I force myself to eat.

I tried to get in to doing lunges and squats last night cause I was bored, but my heart started beating too fast, so I gave up and went to bed.

Today I'm feeling better. Still haven't heard from J, so a little sad but im okay, using it to benefit myself.

Anyway, I need to go to work. Actually excited, I burn so many cals at my job. Constantly moving.

Hope everyones doing okay.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Photos at 44kg. I hate, HATE my fat legs

I hate my legs. If anyone is wondering I'm 5'3.

Me at 44kg...or 97 lbs.

Monday, January 16, 2012

All our actions have consequences....

Dont really know where to start.

Last night J and I had a fight at work, it was my fault. I was in a mood and I wasnt careful the way I said what I was trying to say. I went home from work sick cause I couldn't stop crying. As soon as those words left my mouth, I knew I was in the wrong.

I hurt him. I feel like a shit person. And im scared, what we have is over.

We're taking a few days apart to cool down so we can talk it over...just hoping he doesn't change his mind.

Uh I'm down to 44kg....Cause I've been so stressed out I've only been eating like once a day.

I know its not healthy nor smart, but I dont know how else to deal with the situation with J.

Whatever happens, I'll be okay though.

Oh well, I'll stop whinging and go read all your blogs.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Never gonna be cool with it...

Just told J about my problem with food, and how I'm not okay with it. He cried. I feel like a shit person, I didn't wanna tell him, but he kept asking what was wrong thinking I was upset with him. I havent eaten all day, so I feel heaps out of it, plus you know how sometimes this disorder just puts you in a mood, and it's incredibly hard to communicate with anyone. I can't stop crying, I don't want him to worry bout me, but I can't risk pushing him away again. I feel so bad.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Catching up!

So for the old the blogging community, just thought i'd just catch you up on a few things that changed over the 9 months I was gone.

I'm now blonde, decided to change it up. Everyone said I looked too sick before and washed out. ahaha so yeah if i upload stat photos, yes its me.

And I finally got my first tattoo in August. Spur of the moment.

Kinda found when I was trying to recover from this, I'd find other ways to alter myself/ my body. Weird.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Waiting for the other foot to drop...

Right now, it feels like everything in my life is amazing.
Like I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm in control of my disorder, works great, I have great friends and family and this amazing boy in my life...

But I'm starting to feel like its all too perfect, something is gonna fuck up soon...does anyone else feel this way? like things are too damn perfect? Like the other shoe will drop soon?

Anyway, despite this feeling I'm pushing on and staying positive =)

Yesterday I only managed to eat three meals, but they were all nutritious so im not kicking myself over it.
Today I've only managed a sandwich and I start work at 6 and still cant figure out what I want to eat....this I still struggle with, deciding what to eat.

I'm a planner, so if I dont plan my meals I will procrastinate all day about eating because I haven't given my head time to get around the idea of food, eating feels wrong otherwise. I will figure something out tho, and hopefully not just smoke on my break.

I'm switching Gyms next week, I currently have a 24 hr gym membership, but I miss doing step and BAT classes, they're so much fun and push you hard.

Right now my goal is to be healthy, I wanna try and put on some muscle so I look it too. Finally not looking so sick anymore =)

Well thats it for now. Will post soon =)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Im Back :)

Its been several months since my last post.

Partly because I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and how much it was really hurting me. So I sought out treatment....

I know I can never be cured of this...its always gonna be inside me, but I just got over worrying everyone who cared about me. I was tired of being weak and not being capable of dealing with my problems on my own.

So...right now im 45kg.
I always thought this weight would make me happy, but I have lost any muscle I had and im soft.
Which is killing me when I look in the mirror and making it so hard to eat regulary and not starve nor purge.
But Im trying.

I stopped posting because I needed to step away for awhile. Focus on being healthy and being positive, but now I think I can be in this community, and keep in control of my disorder.

uh, my post is all over the place but after 9 months of nothing it will do lol.

I,ll post something more together soon :)