Thursday, April 14, 2011
The last 5 days have been hell. It has been an endless cycle of bingeing and purging, over and over again. I just cant stop. All i can think about is food, food, food and how im gonna get rid of it. I've never really admitted to purging, as in my mindset its cheating. Most months i can get through just starving. Before saturday, the last time i purged was when my parents left me home alone for the weekend. There was so much food, and i knew i could eat and evacuate it without getting caught so i did. I went to a party on saturday, didn't eat all day and i got so hammered i dont remember most of my night. What i do remember tho, is having my fingers down my throat purging my alcohol, that is so unlike me, i've never been this out of control before. Thats when the purging started again. I just hate being full. I hate this illness, what its doing to my body, to my life. And i keep trying to figure out why did this happen to me, how did i get this way...but i cannot remember a time i ever saw food in a healthy way, its always been too much or not enough, shovel it down or break it into pieces. I have another fracture, in my ankle...my doctor blames my eating disorder and smoking and told me i'll most likely end up with osterporisis ( spelling), im fucking 20! I should be able to run around and not worry about fracturing bones just by a small fall. If i could go back and do this differently i would, i've been so stupid and i dont think i can change. This is unfixable. Tomorrow i have a weigh in and if i haven't gained weight ( which i haven't) they're going to diagnos me, im scared coz the whole point of holding off my diagnosis was because i hope to work as a dietition one day, and im worried knowledge of my eating disorder will hold me back in that field...but i need help, and need to win back the control over my life. I want to be pretty again, this isn't what i wanted. I feel like my body is just gonna fail, everything hurts, im cold, i feel like i've had a tube down my throat, my kidneys are playing up again...and my heart, i keep getting chest pains and this weird hazy sensation when i get them. Im so scared. I wish there was a quick fix to make this go away.