Friday, March 25, 2011

43.5kg/ 96lbs

Did not expect to see this number for awhile.

Happy nonetheless tho.

Been super busy with uni and work, haven't had time to eat nor workout.

Thinking i mite start doing zumba twice a week.

Right now im skinny fat, which is always the worst so i figure exercise wont hurt, even if i have to eat a little more to do it.

This is pretty much my life atm, nothing else matters.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It has been a month...

since my last post.

Been trying to get better. Keyword there, is trying guys.

With previous relaspes i've been able to snap out of it, but this time no matter how hard i try i cant.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long, been super busy with work and uni, and I promised my mum i'd really try this time so i thought it was best to forget this, let this part of me go, be normal.
But i cant.
I've pretty much come to the realisation that im never gonna be cool with food. Like ever.
This is for life.
I accept that.

Been feeling like shit lately, the physical changes have come on alot quicker then before.
My hair is constantly falling out, yesterday in my chem tut i was wondering what the black stuff on the chair was, then realised it was my hair :s kinda scary.
The dizzy spells are more frequent, where everything goes black and my body numb.
Chest pain, which was kinda unexpected coz i've only purged once so far this year.
Kidney infections.

My doctor calls me a physical wreck.
The fucked up thing is i know what im doing, i know this will either kill me or shorten my life with complications, but i still cant stop!
Uni is making it so easy too, the scedule and the routine gives me the control i need, lets me control food too.

So my friend Caitie asked me today, if i dont like the affect this is having on my body, why dont i try harder at recovery?
No one can understand the answer to that question unless they're in the same boat. The constant war that goes on inside my head is so overwhelming and i just dont think i can fight anymore. I've been fighting for 6 years, and i already know i wont win. So why cant i just give in now and let it take me sooner rather then later?

I still dont know what i want. Still dont think theres anything left to fight for.

Anyway i'll stop babbling and post tomorrow.
Missed you guys.
Especially Miss Sarah =) xx

Photos. 44kg

This still isn't enough for me. Need to work out more, get into proportion.
Still too big.