Thursday, April 14, 2011

Bingeing and Purging and the official diagnosis pending.

The last 5 days have been hell. It has been an endless cycle of bingeing and purging, over and over again. I just cant stop. All i can think about is food, food, food and how im gonna get rid of it. I've never really admitted to purging, as in my mindset its cheating. Most months i can get through just starving. Before saturday, the last time i purged was when my parents left me home alone for the weekend. There was so much food, and i knew i could eat and evacuate it without getting caught so i did. I went to a party on saturday, didn't eat all day and i got so hammered i dont remember most of my night. What i do remember tho, is having my fingers down my throat purging my alcohol, that is so unlike me, i've never been this out of control before. Thats when the purging started again. I just hate being full. I hate this illness, what its doing to my body, to my life. And i keep trying to figure out why did this happen to me, how did i get this way...but i cannot remember a time i ever saw food in a healthy way, its always been too much or not enough, shovel it down or break it into pieces. I have another fracture, in my doctor blames my eating disorder and smoking and told me i'll most likely end up with osterporisis ( spelling), im fucking 20! I should be able to run around and not worry about fracturing bones just by a small fall. If i could go back and do this differently i would, i've been so stupid and i dont think i can change. This is unfixable. Tomorrow i have a weigh in and if i haven't gained weight ( which i haven't) they're going to diagnos me, im scared coz the whole point of holding off my diagnosis was because i hope to work as a dietition one day, and im worried knowledge of my eating disorder will hold me back in that field...but i need help, and need to win back the control over my life. I want to be pretty again, this isn't what i wanted. I feel like my body is just gonna fail, everything hurts, im cold, i feel like i've had a tube down my throat, my kidneys are playing up again...and my heart, i keep getting chest pains and this weird hazy sensation when i get them. Im so scared. I wish there was a quick fix to make this go away.

Friday, March 25, 2011

43.5kg/ 96lbs

Did not expect to see this number for awhile.

Happy nonetheless tho.

Been super busy with uni and work, haven't had time to eat nor workout.

Thinking i mite start doing zumba twice a week.

Right now im skinny fat, which is always the worst so i figure exercise wont hurt, even if i have to eat a little more to do it.

This is pretty much my life atm, nothing else matters.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It has been a month...

since my last post.

Been trying to get better. Keyword there, is trying guys.

With previous relaspes i've been able to snap out of it, but this time no matter how hard i try i cant.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long, been super busy with work and uni, and I promised my mum i'd really try this time so i thought it was best to forget this, let this part of me go, be normal.
But i cant.
I've pretty much come to the realisation that im never gonna be cool with food. Like ever.
This is for life.
I accept that.

Been feeling like shit lately, the physical changes have come on alot quicker then before.
My hair is constantly falling out, yesterday in my chem tut i was wondering what the black stuff on the chair was, then realised it was my hair :s kinda scary.
The dizzy spells are more frequent, where everything goes black and my body numb.
Chest pain, which was kinda unexpected coz i've only purged once so far this year.
Kidney infections.

My doctor calls me a physical wreck.
The fucked up thing is i know what im doing, i know this will either kill me or shorten my life with complications, but i still cant stop!
Uni is making it so easy too, the scedule and the routine gives me the control i need, lets me control food too.

So my friend Caitie asked me today, if i dont like the affect this is having on my body, why dont i try harder at recovery?
No one can understand the answer to that question unless they're in the same boat. The constant war that goes on inside my head is so overwhelming and i just dont think i can fight anymore. I've been fighting for 6 years, and i already know i wont win. So why cant i just give in now and let it take me sooner rather then later?

I still dont know what i want. Still dont think theres anything left to fight for.

Anyway i'll stop babbling and post tomorrow.
Missed you guys.
Especially Miss Sarah =) xx

Photos. 44kg

This still isn't enough for me. Need to work out more, get into proportion.
Still too big.

Friday, February 25, 2011

To eat or not to eat...that is the damn fucking question!

Today i feel so weak.

All i've done today is sleep and thats only because i have no energy to do anything else.

I feel like i should eat something, but there is this part of me that is screaming out "NO! Dont do it your doing so well" but then there is this other part of me that says " Eat something, nourish me" and right now im just sitting on the fence between these two voices coz im scared of either outcome from the other.

This is the side of my problem that i hate, the constant struggle over food.

Tell me what to do?

If i eat i could possibly work out and burn the cals anyway, or just keep starving and see a lower weight tomorrow?

I know the most logical one to go with, but as most of you know, this illness will be never be logical, it thrives on fear.

Hope everyone is feeling better then i am.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Dirty Little Secret...

So last night i went out into newy.

It started out as a ok night, i drank my sugar free cruisers and watched my two mates eat a large pack of chips each!

Watching them really annoyed me, both these girls complain about their weight to me constantly but what do they expect to happen when they shove these saturated fats down their throat.

Its so simple, if you wanna lose weight, eat healthy and work out more then what is going in.

Anyway we started at bar on the hill. It was pretty dead so we left and went to the cambo.

This is my fave place in newy =)

When i was in the unisex toilets i had a girl stop me to tell me i was absolutely gorgeous and skinny. Of course i didn't believe her but it still makes you smile on the inside when people say it =)

After a fight broke out in the red room and i got punched in the arm ( fucking hurt, right on the bone) we left and went to fannys.

Now while all this was happening, i was msging an old friend and we decided to meet up. I honestly didn't think he would follow through given everything that has happened, but like always he surprised me.

When i'd had enough of fannys, i left to get the train and met him at maitland. He took me home, came inside, and you can gather what came next.

We've both agreed not to tell a soul that we went back to one another, because we both agreed it was the last time for a long time and quite frankly none of our friends would be happy with us. So this is my dirty little secret im telling you lol.

I need to focus on me, and i need to work out what i really feel. I thought i loved him, but after some thinking i think it could be i was being relient on him?

It was nice tho, we talked and cuddled. I never thought i'd experience that again with him.

Just happy it has ended on good terms.

I weighed in this morning.


Hoping this number sticks around.

So far today i've had:

  • Protein shake 191 cal

I plan on having salmon and veggies before work so that should work out to be 325 cals.

So all up 516 cals.

I need to eat more but its so hard.

Hope everyone is doing great =)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Slept through my alarm...

Thus making me an hour late for work.

Completely fucked up my day, because i had no time i didn't eat breakfast nor take any lunch to work, because of this mum wouldn't hand over my gym tag so i haven't worked out today :(

On the bright side i've only had a redbull so far today and will be eating my salmon and veggies soon.

Im so tired today, like my whole body is aching and i have no energy to move. Hope im not getting sick.

Staying away from the scales atm, do not wanna get back on till im under 45kg, hoping that will happen by sunday.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long, last few months have been hard and i couldn't even bring myself to write what was happening on here. Loving being back in the community tho, no one understands this like you guys do.

Love. xx

plans for tuesday.

Today was a bad day.

When i woke up this morning i had good intentions, have a healthy breakfast, go to the doctors, gym, and fit in a few small meals here and there.
But nothing ever happens the way you want it to does it?

After mum took me to the doctors i kinda freaked out and binged. I haven't eaten this much in awhile and i swear im in pain. To make it worse i binged in secret and atm my mother is making me eat every meal with her so i had to force down my other 4 meals of the day aswell what i gorged on.

I need to try and dig myself out of this bullshit, this isn't right.

Plan for 2moz is gym, work then bed.

Food wise will probably be:

  • protein shake
  • plum
  • salad wrap
  • grapes
  • salmon and veggies

Hopefully i stick to it, undereating i can handle, bingeing not so much.


Friday, February 18, 2011

photos. 45kg.

Im still too big around my middle, but its an improvement. Sorry bout the bad quality.


Heres a video of me at 45kg, still really chubby but its the lowest i've been in years.


So im down to 45kg, so almost 99lbs.

Its really hard this time round, its never really been about weight for me, but i do not wanna be over 45 just wanna get lower.

My relationship with food has never been a healthy one, its either not enough or way too much. I told a few ppl yesterday about my problem and i honestly dont think they understand. Because i dont look like a fucking skeleton they dont think its a problem.

All i know is that the way i feel, the shit i do is not normal.

Getting down to 45 was so easy but hard on me emotionally, there are days where it takes me 3 hrs to decide what im going to eat and sometimes even after i've prepared my meal i still cant bring myself to eat it.

I can feel myself getting weaker and more tired and moody. Loud sounds making me anxious. It taking the control again and its scares me.

My parents searched my room yesterday, found my laxatives and my diary. They weighed me. They finally seeing the problem but no one else does.

As much as this is embedded in me, i want to get better, but i cant ask for it, if that makes sense?

Anyway i cant write anymore atm, my head is too jumbled and my post is all over the place. Hope everyone is doing well. xx