Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Quick update.

Yesterday I hung out with my bestie C.

We went to a cafe' then walked around all the beaches in newcastle. It was nice, good to get out of my bubble =)

Yesterday I had 2 coffees, 1/4 of this  cake thing and veggies for dinner. I think my stomach has shrunk though, I feel full after a few mouthfuls and I feel sick if I force myself to eat.

I tried to get in to doing lunges and squats last night cause I was bored, but my heart started beating too fast, so I gave up and went to bed.

Today I'm feeling better. Still haven't heard from J, so a little sad but im okay, using it to benefit myself.

Anyway, I need to go to work. Actually excited, I burn so many cals at my job. Constantly moving.

Hope everyones doing okay.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Photos at 44kg. I hate, HATE my fat legs

I hate my legs. If anyone is wondering I'm 5'3.

Me at 44kg...or 97 lbs.

Monday, January 16, 2012

All our actions have consequences....

Dont really know where to start.

Last night J and I had a fight at work, it was my fault. I was in a mood and I wasnt careful the way I said what I was trying to say. I went home from work sick cause I couldn't stop crying. As soon as those words left my mouth, I knew I was in the wrong.

I hurt him. I feel like a shit person. And im scared, what we have is over.

We're taking a few days apart to cool down so we can talk it over...just hoping he doesn't change his mind.

Uh I'm down to 44kg....Cause I've been so stressed out I've only been eating like once a day.

I know its not healthy nor smart, but I dont know how else to deal with the situation with J.

Whatever happens, I'll be okay though.

Oh well, I'll stop whinging and go read all your blogs.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Never gonna be cool with it...

Just told J about my problem with food, and how I'm not okay with it. He cried. I feel like a shit person, I didn't wanna tell him, but he kept asking what was wrong thinking I was upset with him. I havent eaten all day, so I feel heaps out of it, plus you know how sometimes this disorder just puts you in a mood, and it's incredibly hard to communicate with anyone. I can't stop crying, I don't want him to worry bout me, but I can't risk pushing him away again. I feel so bad.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Catching up!

So for the old the blogging community, just thought i'd just catch you up on a few things that changed over the 9 months I was gone.

I'm now blonde, decided to change it up. Everyone said I looked too sick before and washed out. ahaha so yeah if i upload stat photos, yes its me.

And I finally got my first tattoo in August. Spur of the moment.

Kinda found when I was trying to recover from this, I'd find other ways to alter myself/ my body. Weird.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Waiting for the other foot to drop...

Right now, it feels like everything in my life is amazing.
Like I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm in control of my disorder, works great, I have great friends and family and this amazing boy in my life...

But I'm starting to feel like its all too perfect, something is gonna fuck up soon...does anyone else feel this way? like things are too damn perfect? Like the other shoe will drop soon?

Anyway, despite this feeling I'm pushing on and staying positive =)

Yesterday I only managed to eat three meals, but they were all nutritious so im not kicking myself over it.
Today I've only managed a sandwich and I start work at 6 and still cant figure out what I want to eat....this I still struggle with, deciding what to eat.

I'm a planner, so if I dont plan my meals I will procrastinate all day about eating because I haven't given my head time to get around the idea of food, eating feels wrong otherwise. I will figure something out tho, and hopefully not just smoke on my break.

I'm switching Gyms next week, I currently have a 24 hr gym membership, but I miss doing step and BAT classes, they're so much fun and push you hard.

Right now my goal is to be healthy, I wanna try and put on some muscle so I look it too. Finally not looking so sick anymore =)

Well thats it for now. Will post soon =)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Im Back :)

Its been several months since my last post.

Partly because I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and how much it was really hurting me. So I sought out treatment....

I know I can never be cured of this...its always gonna be inside me, but I just got over worrying everyone who cared about me. I was tired of being weak and not being capable of dealing with my problems on my own.

So...right now im 45kg.
I always thought this weight would make me happy, but I have lost any muscle I had and im soft.
Which is killing me when I look in the mirror and making it so hard to eat regulary and not starve nor purge.
But Im trying.

I stopped posting because I needed to step away for awhile. Focus on being healthy and being positive, but now I think I can be in this community, and keep in control of my disorder.

uh, my post is all over the place but after 9 months of nothing it will do lol.

I,ll post something more together soon :)