Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It has been a month...

since my last post.

Been trying to get better. Keyword there, is trying guys.

With previous relaspes i've been able to snap out of it, but this time no matter how hard i try i cant.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long, been super busy with work and uni, and I promised my mum i'd really try this time so i thought it was best to forget this, let this part of me go, be normal.
But i cant.
I've pretty much come to the realisation that im never gonna be cool with food. Like ever.
This is for life.
I accept that.

Been feeling like shit lately, the physical changes have come on alot quicker then before.
My hair is constantly falling out, yesterday in my chem tut i was wondering what the black stuff on the chair was, then realised it was my hair :s kinda scary.
The dizzy spells are more frequent, where everything goes black and my body numb.
Chest pain, which was kinda unexpected coz i've only purged once so far this year.
Kidney infections.

My doctor calls me a physical wreck.
The fucked up thing is i know what im doing, i know this will either kill me or shorten my life with complications, but i still cant stop!
Uni is making it so easy too, the scedule and the routine gives me the control i need, lets me control food too.

So my friend Caitie asked me today, if i dont like the affect this is having on my body, why dont i try harder at recovery?
No one can understand the answer to that question unless they're in the same boat. The constant war that goes on inside my head is so overwhelming and i just dont think i can fight anymore. I've been fighting for 6 years, and i already know i wont win. So why cant i just give in now and let it take me sooner rather then later?

I still dont know what i want. Still dont think theres anything left to fight for.

Anyway i'll stop babbling and post tomorrow.
Missed you guys.
Especially Miss Sarah =) xx


  1. Hey beautiful girl, what the hell are you doing up so late? haha. i kept refreshing blogger to see if anyone had posted anything, didnt really expect any other aussies to be on at 2am! haha.

    i am so insanely absolutely jealous of your amazingly gorgeous body!
    my god, you're just so so so tiny!!!
    well done my dear :)

    catch up soooooooon?

  2. Ah I totally get where you're coming from. It's why I keep posting and disappearing for months at a time to try and be normal only to end up where I started. Your friend will never understand how hard it is to recover until she's gone through it. What she says reminds me of when my older sister called me on Christmas eve two years ago to bitch me out for getting trashed at our family Christmas party to scream at/ask me 'why don't you want to be normal, don't you want to be happy, don't you want to stop starving,hating and physically harming yourself?" I have no doubt that your friend loves you but like my sister who has never had to deal with what you and I have been through just can't understand why it's so hard to be "normal".

    I really hope you get better as much as I love reading your posts and miss you when you are gone I hope that one day you recover and I never see a post from you again. You deserve it you sweet, beautiful, SKINNY girl.

    Love ya,
    Ana NAS