Things concerning life have been okay. I'm in a new relationship, and it makes me happy. But I still find myself wildly insecure, and it's ruining it.
I know the things I do and say are wrong and annoying, but I can't help it. When things feel different, like it's all slipping away, I crumble.
I'm making the same mistakes I always do. Sometimes I just wish he would reassure me, let me know he isn't going anywhere. It scares me to death the thought of him leaving me.
So as it always does, these feelings trigger a relapse...I'm not eating, and haven't been for the last few weeks...the only time I do is with him or if I feel weak.
I'm exercising a lot, last week I woke up through the night and did sit-ups and planks while he slept and left after....
In 3 months I've gone from 69-60kg. Reasonable for 3 months, but I want to lose more, and I wish I could do it the healthy way...but right now I can't.
People who have never dealt with this wouldn't say that's abnormal with the way you feel, but I've stood here many times before and I can feel myself slipping, the scales are starting to rule again and it's not comforting this time round. It's scary as fuck!
I'm 23. I should know by now that I can't control everything, and when I can't, I know better than to do what I have been doing. I can't talk about it, no one wants to hear it. It's "attention seeking".
So I will keep quiet, deal with it and hope for the best.
I wish I knew how I got to be this way.
"I feel like this too. Hope you're okay! Don't disappear xxx"' i won't truly disappear. you just won't hear about me. does not mean you won't hear from me. the beauty of the game i suppose.
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i want to listen.
"I know the things I do and say are wrong and annoying, but I can't help it. When things feel different, like it's all slipping away, I crumble." sounds like my girlfriend. what i tell her is that you think the things you do are wrong and annoying, but they are not. things change and things feel different. you know what's best for yourself. that is the best advice i can ever give anyone else.
i always have one thing to say about relationships - hold them close enough that you drink up all of the,, but also hold them far away enough that they can't hurt you if they leave. i am a master of that. because i did invest too much, and it just left me miserable. now, i just enjoy it. savour the moment if you will. savour the fact that i was with them. i realised one thing: if you are always afraid of that person leaving or that person disappearing, then you don't get to enjoy the full essence of what they have to offer. and that's unfair to you both. x just my two cents there gorgeous.
that's quite a large chunk of weight gorgeous. and it's understandable when you say right now you can't.
it is hurting you, so abnormal or normal or anything, it is just unacceptable.
age is irrelevant. you are 23 years old. you still only drank up a small portion of what your life has to offer. and unfortunately, it seems from the implications i gather from what you've just said, not a lot is there to be offered in terms of friends.
"I wish I knew how I got to be this way." you know about that - another word of advice: when you can receive no answer for the question that you are looking for, accept that you will receive no answer or it will destroy you. truth be told - that is how i feel about it all. when you get questions that have no answers and they keep on repeating themselves in their head, all they do is make the world seem darker and dimmer. and they leave you with all these subsequent feelings afterwards.
it is human nature to want to be noticed. it is not "attention seeking" in any way. humans want to be loved. they want to be coddled and respected. i detest being coddled now though. i want people to take it with the grain of salt that i am fine. because i genuinely am fine. i am very confused, but i am fine.
take care of yourself, darling.
i hope something in this comment helped. if not, then i hope my slightly large ego did not show.
-Sam Lupin
Thank you for your comment Sam. It honestly means a lot. Didn't think anyone still read my blog. =)
Delete"i always have one thing to say about relationships - hold them close enough that you drink up all of the,, but also hold them far away enough that they can't hurt you if they leave." - I was always a big believer of this...I used to be in control of my emotions, but that ship sailed when I fell in love with him. Someone who I swore I never would 4 years ago. I couldn't see him then, and now I do, and now I guess now he finally has me, I'm afraid he thinks I'm not the girl he thought I was. Only a few people know my true nature, my fragility...he fell in love with a strong, mysterious woman and right now I'm anything but...
"if you are always afraid of that person leaving or that person disappearing, then you don't get to enjoy the full essence of what they have to offer. " - this I will take on board. I guess without trusting his love, what the hell am I doing with him...I will try and keep my emotions more in check.
There was so much wisdom in your comment it blew me away. Its amazing how the words of a stranger can make me feel better, when no one in my life currently could. Thats one thing I missed about this community.
Words can not describe how thankful I am, for your kind words, your advice and most of all for listening. Its what I needed most.
Thank you Sam Lupin
xo
aww sweetheart I'm so sorry you feel that way, I used to think that way too, that everyone just wanted to be happy and hated having to hear about feelings or problems but I've come to open myself up to people more and found that they are just as much there for you when you are sad as when you are happy. You don't need to hide it all the time. In fact they like it when you can trust them enough to tell them about what you're hurting. I don't really directly give the details of my ED but I do tell them about the things that are hurting me, scaring me or my insecurity. And i think you should really talk to your guy about what you're afraid of. I know you're scared of him leaving you if you tell him but if he does then that just means he wasn't worth it in the first place. But I don't think he will leave. If not he will love you more. At least that's what happened with me. Much love<3 stay strong dear
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment =)
DeleteI really wish I could talk to him. But now is not the time. He's stressed with work, buying a house and money. I cant bring myself to dump this on him when he already has so much to think about.
One day when the time is right and I still have these feelings I will discuss it all, but until then it would be selfish of me to dump my issues onto him.
I'm so happy it worked out for you though. I hope I get lucky too.
thank you xoxo