How I Feel...

I hate it when I feel a whirlwind of so many emotions...
Its like I dont know how to pick myself up off the ground because I dont know where to start...

I feel ugly...
I feel fat...
unloved...
tired...
sad...
mad...
lost...
unmotivated...
stupid...
worthless...
like I ask for too much...

Where the hell do I start ???

I dont know how I got here either, I know it sounds stupid but everything was so much simpler when I was sick.

I didnt love, I didnt care. My weight was my focus.

Im worried about my relationship, sometimes I feel like I cant stand up for myself cause I always get made out to be the bad guy. So I gave up, I smile and nod, and go along with what he wants.

I really miss my disorder, I dont know how else to deal with my emotions.

I dont know how to get through this like a normal person, and I think I will relapse.

Funny thing is, I dont even care...I just want to feel back in control.




Rhi. xx

I got better, now I hate myself....

Its been 6 months since my last post.

So much has changed, I'm now in a committed relationship and living with my bf, J. Some of you may remember him from my previous posts.

I got better, my anti depressants I got put on for my anxiety, helped me to love who I am, I started to eat normally and everything was fine.

But now here I am at 56kg!!! The heaviest I have ever been in my life...if you asked me how it happened, I couldn't even tell you, it just kinda creeped up on me. Urgh!

So I'm coming back to the blog world for motivation. Not to starve myself but do this the healthy way so maybe I can stop this yo-yo-ing business.

Jack, my boyfriend is great, he understands and has started to drag my butt to the gym everyday, and cooks me amazing healthy meals, so I want to eat.
Im so incredibly lucky.

Im still a calorie counter, but I stick to my recommended cals, no more cutting back. I think I actually prefer this, I'm more motivated to exercise and do housework coz I'm not starving and tired all the time.

Anyway, I'll stop blabbering on. 

Its almost 2pm here and I have 900 cals left.

Today I had:

• wholemeal crumpet with honey
• 4 cruskits with vegimite
• some sliced ham.

I plan on having an orange and a can of tuna later, plus whatever my lovely boyfriend cooks me.

And i will be doing 45 mins on the eliptical at the gym later.

Im actually excited =) 

Wish me luck, hope I drop this weight soon.

Rhianna.

Quick update.

Yesterday I hung out with my bestie C.

We went to a cafe' then walked around all the beaches in newcastle. It was nice, good to get out of my bubble =)

Yesterday I had 2 coffees, 1/4 of this  cake thing and veggies for dinner. I think my stomach has shrunk though, I feel full after a few mouthfuls and I feel sick if I force myself to eat.

I tried to get in to doing lunges and squats last night cause I was bored, but my heart started beating too fast, so I gave up and went to bed.

Today I'm feeling better. Still haven't heard from J, so a little sad but im okay, using it to benefit myself.

Anyway, I need to go to work. Actually excited, I burn so many cals at my job. Constantly moving.

Hope everyones doing okay.

Photos at 44kg. I hate, HATE my fat legs

I hate my legs. If anyone is wondering I'm 5'3.

Me at 44kg...or 97 lbs.

All our actions have consequences....

Dont really know where to start.





Last night J and I had a fight at work, it was my fault. I was in a mood and I wasnt careful the way I said what I was trying to say. I went home from work sick cause I couldn't stop crying. As soon as those words left my mouth, I knew I was in the wrong.


I hurt him. I feel like a shit person. And im scared, what we have is over.





We're taking a few days apart to cool down so we can talk it over...just hoping he doesn't change his mind.





Uh I'm down to 44kg....Cause I've been so stressed out I've only been eating like once a day.


I know its not healthy nor smart, but I dont know how else to deal with the situation with J.

Whatever happens, I'll be okay though.

Oh well, I'll stop whinging and go read all your blogs.

Never gonna be cool with it...

Just told J about my problem with food, and how I'm not okay with it. He cried. I feel like a shit person, I didn't wanna tell him, but he kept asking what was wrong thinking I was upset with him. I havent eaten all day, so I feel heaps out of it, plus you know how sometimes this disorder just puts you in a mood, and it's incredibly hard to communicate with anyone. I can't stop crying, I don't want him to worry bout me, but I can't risk pushing him away again. I feel so bad.

Catching up!

So for the old the blogging community, just thought i'd just catch you up on a few things that changed over the 9 months I was gone.

I'm now blonde, decided to change it up. Everyone said I looked too sick before and washed out. ahaha so yeah if i upload stat photos, yes its me.

And I finally got my first tattoo in August. Spur of the moment.

Kinda found when I was trying to recover from this, I'd find other ways to alter myself/ my body. Weird.