I think for a long time I have been in denial.

But after the last two days I don't think I can avoid it anymore....I think on some level I knew...

This week I have been sick...Last night I was ladling soup into a cup when I spilled boiling soup all over the back of my hand and burned quite a large surface area. I of course screamed and cried. Please tell me that is a normal reaction....because I got yelled at for this and made to feel wrong...stupid. I was in pain and he somehow found a way to turn this into something that I have done wrong.

Go to the hospital tonight and get told I have bronchitis and a middle ear infection. Walking out of the hospital he starts a fight over me being moody earlier in the day after I hung up on him for yelling at me over the phone. Because I am tired of being treated that way. I'm a person, not a pet.

Maybe I am just an exceptionally bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy.

I must be such a bad girlfriend that I don't deserve kindness or even sympathy.

Doesn't matter what I do, its never good enough and its gonna destroy me if shit doesn't change.

I have never felt so fucking small in my life.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

Alone.

Today was just one of those days where I just feel completely and entirely alone.
No one cares about the blame that has been placed on my shoulders...mobile phones and TV shows are more important.

I just want to disappear, starve and not care anymore.

Battle of the exes

I would like to thank you for your lovely comments yesterday. Especially Sam lupin. :)

Things today are better if you could call it that. I haven't eaten today, but I honestly just can't.

My boyfriend told me he's going to his ex's to finalise his tax....that hurts. They were together for 6 years and he talks to her, admits he still has feelings for her and expects me to be fine with him seeing her. 

I'm sorry but I can't be fine with that, I will never be fine with it. And he has no guilt on how it affects me .

I know it sounds selfish but he should care right? I feel the way I feel and I can't help that. I hide it as best as I can but it eats away at me. 

I find myself comparing. Like I'm not as calm as she was, I'm not skinnier than her anymore. I can't even let myself think somehow, I'm  better than her , because I'm not.

And the worst part is I can't say anything, because it hurts him when I doubt him. 

I had an on/off relationship with my ex for 4 years, and I can honestly say I have no love for him. Hell , I left him to be with my current boyfriend. 

I think that's why I'm so scared of him leaving me. I gave up something that I thought made me happy for a better relationship, but one where I feel vulnerable, and lucky to have someone so special to love me. 

A relationship I'm sure if does end, will be the undoing of me. I never wanted someone as much as I do him. 

I'm not asking for advice, I guess I just need an outlet, so I don't let it ruin my relationship. It's hard keeping it all inside sometimes. It's hard to act happy when I keep it all in. 

I'm gonna try and eat later, I'm run down and cold. Don't think I can until I see him after his seen her. Just wish they didn't have to still get along.

I'll stop the rambling now. Hopefully this helped me in some way. 

Xoxo

Been a long time...

Never thought I'd find myself back on here, but I feel like I have no one to talk to right now, at least no one who wants to listen. So here I am.

Things concerning life have been okay. I'm in a new relationship, and it makes me happy. But I still find myself wildly insecure, and it's ruining it. 

I know the things I do and say are wrong and annoying, but I can't help it. When things feel different, like it's all slipping away, I crumble. 

I'm making the same mistakes I always do. Sometimes I just wish he would reassure me, let me know he isn't going anywhere. It scares me to death the thought of him leaving me. 

So as it always does, these feelings trigger a relapse...I'm not eating, and haven't been for the last few weeks...the only time I do is with him or if I feel weak. 

I'm exercising a lot, last week I woke up through the night and did sit-ups and planks while he slept and left after....

In 3 months I've gone from 69-60kg. Reasonable for 3 months, but I want to lose more, and I wish I could do it the healthy way...but right now I can't. 

People who have never dealt with this wouldn't say that's abnormal with the way you feel, but I've stood here many times before and I can feel myself slipping, the scales are starting to rule again and it's not comforting this time round. It's scary as fuck!

I'm 23. I should know by now that I can't control everything, and when I can't, I know better than to do what I have been doing. I can't talk about it, no one wants to hear it. It's "attention seeking". 

So I will keep quiet, deal with it and hope for the best. 

I wish I knew how I got to be this way. 

Stats and scattered thoughts.

So I finally got around to doing my stats, so every wednesday will be weigh in day for me.

Im really not impressed with them atm, I've put on about 10 cm every where =(

Anyway so here goes....

Weight: 58kg

 

Bust: 91 cm

 

Abs: 86cm

 

Arms: 26.5 cm

 

thighs: 56cm

 

Butt: 99 cm

 

Neck: 34cm

 

 

 

They are disgusting, but this is my starting point and I will lose this weight again.

 

 

Im still watching portion sizes and will start walking and gyming tomorrow.

 

 

So not much has been happening, got a doctors appointment today...just a check up.

 

 

I've only had breakfast so far, not sure what else to eat today.

 

Any ideas?

 

 

My breakfast was yummy tho =)

 

 

Hmm I'm so boring atm, might go read some blogs, will report later how my day went =)

Last Night...

Something bad happened.

My boyfriend read my blog and was really hurt by my post about him.

He thought I was unhappy with him, not everything else, when its the complete opposite.

I love him more than anything, I did not put my self through 2 years of bullshit and hurt to finally be in a commited relationship then just say "hey, see you later".

I got better because he came into my life.

Just sometimes I wish things were different, like more romance, or he'd make more of an effort to spend time with me, not in the bedroom time, like lets go for an adventure time.

But in saying that, I fell in love with him...who he is. And when he fell in love with me I was a different person...I didn't need those things.

Kinda thinking the expression you want what you cant/dont have is coming into play here.

He probably thinks I'm so self centerted I want the world to revolve around me or something, but the truth is he makes me happy, and when we do things together, I'm happy in that moment.

I dunno...just rambling on here.

So...the not eating thing is crap. Decided I'm better off doing it the healthy way, not just for my sake, but the people around me, I become a very mean person well I fall back into my old habits.
And I cant afford to lose the people I have in my life.

So what I have been doing is watching my portion sizes and sticking to healthy options.
Still a little bloated but its getting there.


Anyway...hope everyone has a good weekend.

Rhixx

Day 1...

Been up since 4.30....all I've had is a coffee, not gonna eat till after work.

I'm 58kg....thats 14kg heavier than i was last time I was here.


Fuck!

Plan is to eat lunch and dinner, so no one can see the signs and go for a walk in the arvo after work.

I will get back to 44kg!

Wish me Luck.

How I Feel...

I hate it when I feel a whirlwind of so many emotions...
Its like I dont know how to pick myself up off the ground because I dont know where to start...

I feel ugly...
I feel fat...
unloved...
tired...
sad...
mad...
lost...
unmotivated...
stupid...
worthless...
like I ask for too much...

Where the hell do I start ???

I dont know how I got here either, I know it sounds stupid but everything was so much simpler when I was sick.

I didnt love, I didnt care. My weight was my focus.

Im worried about my relationship, sometimes I feel like I cant stand up for myself cause I always get made out to be the bad guy. So I gave up, I smile and nod, and go along with what he wants.

I really miss my disorder, I dont know how else to deal with my emotions.

I dont know how to get through this like a normal person, and I think I will relapse.

Funny thing is, I dont even care...I just want to feel back in control.




Rhi. xx

I got better, now I hate myself....

Its been 6 months since my last post.

So much has changed, I'm now in a committed relationship and living with my bf, J. Some of you may remember him from my previous posts.

I got better, my anti depressants I got put on for my anxiety, helped me to love who I am, I started to eat normally and everything was fine.

But now here I am at 56kg!!! The heaviest I have ever been in my life...if you asked me how it happened, I couldn't even tell you, it just kinda creeped up on me. Urgh!

So I'm coming back to the blog world for motivation. Not to starve myself but do this the healthy way so maybe I can stop this yo-yo-ing business.

Jack, my boyfriend is great, he understands and has started to drag my butt to the gym everyday, and cooks me amazing healthy meals, so I want to eat.
Im so incredibly lucky.

Im still a calorie counter, but I stick to my recommended cals, no more cutting back. I think I actually prefer this, I'm more motivated to exercise and do housework coz I'm not starving and tired all the time.

Anyway, I'll stop blabbering on. 

Its almost 2pm here and I have 900 cals left.

Today I had:

• wholemeal crumpet with honey
• 4 cruskits with vegimite
• some sliced ham.

I plan on having an orange and a can of tuna later, plus whatever my lovely boyfriend cooks me.

And i will be doing 45 mins on the eliptical at the gym later.

Im actually excited =) 

Wish me luck, hope I drop this weight soon.

Rhianna.

Quick update.

Yesterday I hung out with my bestie C.

We went to a cafe' then walked around all the beaches in newcastle. It was nice, good to get out of my bubble =)

Yesterday I had 2 coffees, 1/4 of this  cake thing and veggies for dinner. I think my stomach has shrunk though, I feel full after a few mouthfuls and I feel sick if I force myself to eat.

I tried to get in to doing lunges and squats last night cause I was bored, but my heart started beating too fast, so I gave up and went to bed.

Today I'm feeling better. Still haven't heard from J, so a little sad but im okay, using it to benefit myself.

Anyway, I need to go to work. Actually excited, I burn so many cals at my job. Constantly moving.

Hope everyones doing okay.

Photos at 44kg. I hate, HATE my fat legs

I hate my legs. If anyone is wondering I'm 5'3.

Me at 44kg...or 97 lbs.

All our actions have consequences....

Dont really know where to start.





Last night J and I had a fight at work, it was my fault. I was in a mood and I wasnt careful the way I said what I was trying to say. I went home from work sick cause I couldn't stop crying. As soon as those words left my mouth, I knew I was in the wrong.


I hurt him. I feel like a shit person. And im scared, what we have is over.





We're taking a few days apart to cool down so we can talk it over...just hoping he doesn't change his mind.





Uh I'm down to 44kg....Cause I've been so stressed out I've only been eating like once a day.


I know its not healthy nor smart, but I dont know how else to deal with the situation with J.

Whatever happens, I'll be okay though.

Oh well, I'll stop whinging and go read all your blogs.

Never gonna be cool with it...

Just told J about my problem with food, and how I'm not okay with it. He cried. I feel like a shit person, I didn't wanna tell him, but he kept asking what was wrong thinking I was upset with him. I havent eaten all day, so I feel heaps out of it, plus you know how sometimes this disorder just puts you in a mood, and it's incredibly hard to communicate with anyone. I can't stop crying, I don't want him to worry bout me, but I can't risk pushing him away again. I feel so bad.

Catching up!

So for the old the blogging community, just thought i'd just catch you up on a few things that changed over the 9 months I was gone.

I'm now blonde, decided to change it up. Everyone said I looked too sick before and washed out. ahaha so yeah if i upload stat photos, yes its me.

And I finally got my first tattoo in August. Spur of the moment.

Kinda found when I was trying to recover from this, I'd find other ways to alter myself/ my body. Weird.

Waiting for the other foot to drop...

Right now, it feels like everything in my life is amazing.
Like I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm in control of my disorder, works great, I have great friends and family and this amazing boy in my life...

But I'm starting to feel like its all too perfect, something is gonna fuck up soon...does anyone else feel this way? like things are too damn perfect? Like the other shoe will drop soon?

Anyway, despite this feeling I'm pushing on and staying positive =)

Yesterday I only managed to eat three meals, but they were all nutritious so im not kicking myself over it.
Today I've only managed a sandwich and I start work at 6 and still cant figure out what I want to eat....this I still struggle with, deciding what to eat.

I'm a planner, so if I dont plan my meals I will procrastinate all day about eating because I haven't given my head time to get around the idea of food, eating feels wrong otherwise. I will figure something out tho, and hopefully not just smoke on my break.

I'm switching Gyms next week, I currently have a 24 hr gym membership, but I miss doing step and BAT classes, they're so much fun and push you hard.

Right now my goal is to be healthy, I wanna try and put on some muscle so I look it too. Finally not looking so sick anymore =)

Well thats it for now. Will post soon =)

Im Back :)

Its been several months since my last post.

Partly because I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and how much it was really hurting me. So I sought out treatment....

I know I can never be cured of this...its always gonna be inside me, but I just got over worrying everyone who cared about me. I was tired of being weak and not being capable of dealing with my problems on my own.

So...right now im 45kg.
I always thought this weight would make me happy, but I have lost any muscle I had and im soft.
Which is killing me when I look in the mirror and making it so hard to eat regulary and not starve nor purge.
But Im trying.

I stopped posting because I needed to step away for awhile. Focus on being healthy and being positive, but now I think I can be in this community, and keep in control of my disorder.

uh, my post is all over the place but after 9 months of nothing it will do lol.

I,ll post something more together soon :)

Bingeing and Purging and the official diagnosis pending.

The last 5 days have been hell. It has been an endless cycle of bingeing and purging, over and over again. I just cant stop. All i can think about is food, food, food and how im gonna get rid of it. I've never really admitted to purging, as in my mindset its cheating. Most months i can get through just starving. Before saturday, the last time i purged was when my parents left me home alone for the weekend. There was so much food, and i knew i could eat and evacuate it without getting caught so i did. I went to a party on saturday, didn't eat all day and i got so hammered i dont remember most of my night. What i do remember tho, is having my fingers down my throat purging my alcohol, that is so unlike me, i've never been this out of control before. Thats when the purging started again. I just hate being full. I hate this illness, what its doing to my body, to my life. And i keep trying to figure out why did this happen to me, how did i get this way...but i cannot remember a time i ever saw food in a healthy way, its always been too much or not enough, shovel it down or break it into pieces. I have another fracture, in my ankle...my doctor blames my eating disorder and smoking and told me i'll most likely end up with osterporisis ( spelling), im fucking 20! I should be able to run around and not worry about fracturing bones just by a small fall. If i could go back and do this differently i would, i've been so stupid and i dont think i can change. This is unfixable. Tomorrow i have a weigh in and if i haven't gained weight ( which i haven't) they're going to diagnos me, im scared coz the whole point of holding off my diagnosis was because i hope to work as a dietition one day, and im worried knowledge of my eating disorder will hold me back in that field...but i need help, and need to win back the control over my life. I want to be pretty again, this isn't what i wanted. I feel like my body is just gonna fail, everything hurts, im cold, i feel like i've had a tube down my throat, my kidneys are playing up again...and my heart, i keep getting chest pains and this weird hazy sensation when i get them. Im so scared. I wish there was a quick fix to make this go away.

43.5kg/ 96lbs

Did not expect to see this number for awhile.

Happy nonetheless tho.

Been super busy with uni and work, haven't had time to eat nor workout.

Thinking i mite start doing zumba twice a week.

Right now im skinny fat, which is always the worst so i figure exercise wont hurt, even if i have to eat a little more to do it.

This is pretty much my life atm, nothing else matters.

Love.

It has been a month...

since my last post.

Been trying to get better. Keyword there, is trying guys.

With previous relaspes i've been able to snap out of it, but this time no matter how hard i try i cant.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long, been super busy with work and uni, and I promised my mum i'd really try this time so i thought it was best to forget this, let this part of me go, be normal.
But i cant.
I've pretty much come to the realisation that im never gonna be cool with food. Like ever.
This is for life.
I accept that.

Been feeling like shit lately, the physical changes have come on alot quicker then before.
My hair is constantly falling out, yesterday in my chem tut i was wondering what the black stuff on the chair was, then realised it was my hair :s kinda scary.
The dizzy spells are more frequent, where everything goes black and my body numb.
Chest pain, which was kinda unexpected coz i've only purged once so far this year.
Kidney infections.
Breakouts.

My doctor calls me a physical wreck.
The fucked up thing is i know what im doing, i know this will either kill me or shorten my life with complications, but i still cant stop!
Uni is making it so easy too, the scedule and the routine gives me the control i need, lets me control food too.

So my friend Caitie asked me today, if i dont like the affect this is having on my body, why dont i try harder at recovery?
No one can understand the answer to that question unless they're in the same boat. The constant war that goes on inside my head is so overwhelming and i just dont think i can fight anymore. I've been fighting for 6 years, and i already know i wont win. So why cant i just give in now and let it take me sooner rather then later?

I still dont know what i want. Still dont think theres anything left to fight for.

Anyway i'll stop babbling and post tomorrow.
Missed you guys.
Especially Miss Sarah =) xx

Photos. 44kg

This still isn't enough for me. Need to work out more, get into proportion.

Still too big.