45kg.

So im down to 45kg, so almost 99lbs.

Its really hard this time round, its never really been about weight for me, but i do not wanna be over 45 just wanna get lower.

My relationship with food has never been a healthy one, its either not enough or way too much. I told a few ppl yesterday about my problem and i honestly dont think they understand. Because i dont look like a fucking skeleton they dont think its a problem.

All i know is that the way i feel, the shit i do is not normal.

Getting down to 45 was so easy but hard on me emotionally, there are days where it takes me 3 hrs to decide what im going to eat and sometimes even after i've prepared my meal i still cant bring myself to eat it.

I can feel myself getting weaker and more tired and moody. Loud sounds making me anxious. It taking the control again and its scares me.

My parents searched my room yesterday, found my laxatives and my diary. They weighed me. They finally seeing the problem but no one else does.

As much as this is embedded in me, i want to get better, but i cant ask for it, if that makes sense?

Anyway i cant write anymore atm, my head is too jumbled and my post is all over the place. Hope everyone is doing well. xx