I think for a long time I have been in denial.

But after the last two days I don't think I can avoid it anymore....I think on some level I knew...

This week I have been sick...Last night I was ladling soup into a cup when I spilled boiling soup all over the back of my hand and burned quite a large surface area. I of course screamed and cried. Please tell me that is a normal reaction....because I got yelled at for this and made to feel wrong...stupid. I was in pain and he somehow found a way to turn this into something that I have done wrong.

Go to the hospital tonight and get told I have bronchitis and a middle ear infection. Walking out of the hospital he starts a fight over me being moody earlier in the day after I hung up on him for yelling at me over the phone. Because I am tired of being treated that way. I'm a person, not a pet.

Maybe I am just an exceptionally bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy.

I must be such a bad girlfriend that I don't deserve kindness or even sympathy.

Doesn't matter what I do, its never good enough and its gonna destroy me if shit doesn't change.

I have never felt so fucking small in my life.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

Alone.

Today was just one of those days where I just feel completely and entirely alone.
No one cares about the blame that has been placed on my shoulders...mobile phones and TV shows are more important.

I just want to disappear, starve and not care anymore.

Battle of the exes

I would like to thank you for your lovely comments yesterday. Especially Sam lupin. :)

Things today are better if you could call it that. I haven't eaten today, but I honestly just can't.

My boyfriend told me he's going to his ex's to finalise his tax....that hurts. They were together for 6 years and he talks to her, admits he still has feelings for her and expects me to be fine with him seeing her. 

I'm sorry but I can't be fine with that, I will never be fine with it. And he has no guilt on how it affects me .

I know it sounds selfish but he should care right? I feel the way I feel and I can't help that. I hide it as best as I can but it eats away at me. 

I find myself comparing. Like I'm not as calm as she was, I'm not skinnier than her anymore. I can't even let myself think somehow, I'm  better than her , because I'm not.

And the worst part is I can't say anything, because it hurts him when I doubt him. 

I had an on/off relationship with my ex for 4 years, and I can honestly say I have no love for him. Hell , I left him to be with my current boyfriend. 

I think that's why I'm so scared of him leaving me. I gave up something that I thought made me happy for a better relationship, but one where I feel vulnerable, and lucky to have someone so special to love me. 

A relationship I'm sure if does end, will be the undoing of me. I never wanted someone as much as I do him. 

I'm not asking for advice, I guess I just need an outlet, so I don't let it ruin my relationship. It's hard keeping it all inside sometimes. It's hard to act happy when I keep it all in. 

I'm gonna try and eat later, I'm run down and cold. Don't think I can until I see him after his seen her. Just wish they didn't have to still get along.

I'll stop the rambling now. Hopefully this helped me in some way. 

Xoxo

Been a long time...

Never thought I'd find myself back on here, but I feel like I have no one to talk to right now, at least no one who wants to listen. So here I am.

Things concerning life have been okay. I'm in a new relationship, and it makes me happy. But I still find myself wildly insecure, and it's ruining it. 

I know the things I do and say are wrong and annoying, but I can't help it. When things feel different, like it's all slipping away, I crumble. 

I'm making the same mistakes I always do. Sometimes I just wish he would reassure me, let me know he isn't going anywhere. It scares me to death the thought of him leaving me. 

So as it always does, these feelings trigger a relapse...I'm not eating, and haven't been for the last few weeks...the only time I do is with him or if I feel weak. 

I'm exercising a lot, last week I woke up through the night and did sit-ups and planks while he slept and left after....

In 3 months I've gone from 69-60kg. Reasonable for 3 months, but I want to lose more, and I wish I could do it the healthy way...but right now I can't. 

People who have never dealt with this wouldn't say that's abnormal with the way you feel, but I've stood here many times before and I can feel myself slipping, the scales are starting to rule again and it's not comforting this time round. It's scary as fuck!

I'm 23. I should know by now that I can't control everything, and when I can't, I know better than to do what I have been doing. I can't talk about it, no one wants to hear it. It's "attention seeking". 

So I will keep quiet, deal with it and hope for the best. 

I wish I knew how I got to be this way. 

Stats and scattered thoughts.

So I finally got around to doing my stats, so every wednesday will be weigh in day for me.

Im really not impressed with them atm, I've put on about 10 cm every where =(

Anyway so here goes....

Weight: 58kg

 

Bust: 91 cm

 

Abs: 86cm

 

Arms: 26.5 cm

 

thighs: 56cm

 

Butt: 99 cm

 

Neck: 34cm

 

 

 

They are disgusting, but this is my starting point and I will lose this weight again.

 

 

Im still watching portion sizes and will start walking and gyming tomorrow.

 

 

So not much has been happening, got a doctors appointment today...just a check up.

 

 

I've only had breakfast so far, not sure what else to eat today.

 

Any ideas?

 

 

My breakfast was yummy tho =)

 

 

Hmm I'm so boring atm, might go read some blogs, will report later how my day went =)

Last Night...

Something bad happened.

My boyfriend read my blog and was really hurt by my post about him.

He thought I was unhappy with him, not everything else, when its the complete opposite.

I love him more than anything, I did not put my self through 2 years of bullshit and hurt to finally be in a commited relationship then just say "hey, see you later".

I got better because he came into my life.

Just sometimes I wish things were different, like more romance, or he'd make more of an effort to spend time with me, not in the bedroom time, like lets go for an adventure time.

But in saying that, I fell in love with him...who he is. And when he fell in love with me I was a different person...I didn't need those things.

Kinda thinking the expression you want what you cant/dont have is coming into play here.

He probably thinks I'm so self centerted I want the world to revolve around me or something, but the truth is he makes me happy, and when we do things together, I'm happy in that moment.

I dunno...just rambling on here.

So...the not eating thing is crap. Decided I'm better off doing it the healthy way, not just for my sake, but the people around me, I become a very mean person well I fall back into my old habits.
And I cant afford to lose the people I have in my life.

So what I have been doing is watching my portion sizes and sticking to healthy options.
Still a little bloated but its getting there.


Anyway...hope everyone has a good weekend.

Rhixx

Day 1...

Been up since 4.30....all I've had is a coffee, not gonna eat till after work.

I'm 58kg....thats 14kg heavier than i was last time I was here.


Fuck!

Plan is to eat lunch and dinner, so no one can see the signs and go for a walk in the arvo after work.

I will get back to 44kg!

Wish me Luck.