Waiting for the other foot to drop...

Right now, it feels like everything in my life is amazing.
Like I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm in control of my disorder, works great, I have great friends and family and this amazing boy in my life...

But I'm starting to feel like its all too perfect, something is gonna fuck up soon...does anyone else feel this way? like things are too damn perfect? Like the other shoe will drop soon?

Anyway, despite this feeling I'm pushing on and staying positive =)

Yesterday I only managed to eat three meals, but they were all nutritious so im not kicking myself over it.
Today I've only managed a sandwich and I start work at 6 and still cant figure out what I want to eat....this I still struggle with, deciding what to eat.

I'm a planner, so if I dont plan my meals I will procrastinate all day about eating because I haven't given my head time to get around the idea of food, eating feels wrong otherwise. I will figure something out tho, and hopefully not just smoke on my break.

I'm switching Gyms next week, I currently have a 24 hr gym membership, but I miss doing step and BAT classes, they're so much fun and push you hard.

Right now my goal is to be healthy, I wanna try and put on some muscle so I look it too. Finally not looking so sick anymore =)

Well thats it for now. Will post soon =)

Im Back :)

Its been several months since my last post.

Partly because I realised how much damage I was doing to my body and how much it was really hurting me. So I sought out treatment....

I know I can never be cured of this...its always gonna be inside me, but I just got over worrying everyone who cared about me. I was tired of being weak and not being capable of dealing with my problems on my own.

So...right now im 45kg.
I always thought this weight would make me happy, but I have lost any muscle I had and im soft.
Which is killing me when I look in the mirror and making it so hard to eat regulary and not starve nor purge.
But Im trying.

I stopped posting because I needed to step away for awhile. Focus on being healthy and being positive, but now I think I can be in this community, and keep in control of my disorder.

uh, my post is all over the place but after 9 months of nothing it will do lol.

I,ll post something more together soon :)

Bingeing and Purging and the official diagnosis pending.

The last 5 days have been hell. It has been an endless cycle of bingeing and purging, over and over again. I just cant stop. All i can think about is food, food, food and how im gonna get rid of it. I've never really admitted to purging, as in my mindset its cheating. Most months i can get through just starving. Before saturday, the last time i purged was when my parents left me home alone for the weekend. There was so much food, and i knew i could eat and evacuate it without getting caught so i did. I went to a party on saturday, didn't eat all day and i got so hammered i dont remember most of my night. What i do remember tho, is having my fingers down my throat purging my alcohol, that is so unlike me, i've never been this out of control before. Thats when the purging started again. I just hate being full. I hate this illness, what its doing to my body, to my life. And i keep trying to figure out why did this happen to me, how did i get this way...but i cannot remember a time i ever saw food in a healthy way, its always been too much or not enough, shovel it down or break it into pieces. I have another fracture, in my ankle...my doctor blames my eating disorder and smoking and told me i'll most likely end up with osterporisis ( spelling), im fucking 20! I should be able to run around and not worry about fracturing bones just by a small fall. If i could go back and do this differently i would, i've been so stupid and i dont think i can change. This is unfixable. Tomorrow i have a weigh in and if i haven't gained weight ( which i haven't) they're going to diagnos me, im scared coz the whole point of holding off my diagnosis was because i hope to work as a dietition one day, and im worried knowledge of my eating disorder will hold me back in that field...but i need help, and need to win back the control over my life. I want to be pretty again, this isn't what i wanted. I feel like my body is just gonna fail, everything hurts, im cold, i feel like i've had a tube down my throat, my kidneys are playing up again...and my heart, i keep getting chest pains and this weird hazy sensation when i get them. Im so scared. I wish there was a quick fix to make this go away.

43.5kg/ 96lbs

Did not expect to see this number for awhile.

Happy nonetheless tho.

Been super busy with uni and work, haven't had time to eat nor workout.

Thinking i mite start doing zumba twice a week.

Right now im skinny fat, which is always the worst so i figure exercise wont hurt, even if i have to eat a little more to do it.

This is pretty much my life atm, nothing else matters.

Love.

It has been a month...

since my last post.

Been trying to get better. Keyword there, is trying guys.

With previous relaspes i've been able to snap out of it, but this time no matter how hard i try i cant.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long, been super busy with work and uni, and I promised my mum i'd really try this time so i thought it was best to forget this, let this part of me go, be normal.
But i cant.
I've pretty much come to the realisation that im never gonna be cool with food. Like ever.
This is for life.
I accept that.

Been feeling like shit lately, the physical changes have come on alot quicker then before.
My hair is constantly falling out, yesterday in my chem tut i was wondering what the black stuff on the chair was, then realised it was my hair :s kinda scary.
The dizzy spells are more frequent, where everything goes black and my body numb.
Chest pain, which was kinda unexpected coz i've only purged once so far this year.
Kidney infections.
Breakouts.

My doctor calls me a physical wreck.
The fucked up thing is i know what im doing, i know this will either kill me or shorten my life with complications, but i still cant stop!
Uni is making it so easy too, the scedule and the routine gives me the control i need, lets me control food too.

So my friend Caitie asked me today, if i dont like the affect this is having on my body, why dont i try harder at recovery?
No one can understand the answer to that question unless they're in the same boat. The constant war that goes on inside my head is so overwhelming and i just dont think i can fight anymore. I've been fighting for 6 years, and i already know i wont win. So why cant i just give in now and let it take me sooner rather then later?

I still dont know what i want. Still dont think theres anything left to fight for.

Anyway i'll stop babbling and post tomorrow.
Missed you guys.
Especially Miss Sarah =) xx

Photos. 44kg

This still isn't enough for me. Need to work out more, get into proportion.

Still too big.

To eat or not to eat...that is the damn fucking question!

Today i feel so weak.

All i've done today is sleep and thats only because i have no energy to do anything else.

I feel like i should eat something, but there is this part of me that is screaming out "NO! Dont do it your doing so well" but then there is this other part of me that says " Eat something, nourish me" and right now im just sitting on the fence between these two voices coz im scared of either outcome from the other.

This is the side of my problem that i hate, the constant struggle over food.

Tell me what to do?

If i eat i could possibly work out and burn the cals anyway, or just keep starving and see a lower weight tomorrow?

I know the most logical one to go with, but as most of you know, this illness will be never be logical, it thrives on fear.

Hope everyone is feeling better then i am.

xx