My disgust for food has returned...along with the nightmares.
These days im too busy to eat, just smoke and drink coffee to keep me going.
Ate for the first time since friday, just had to much to do and so little time so i never got round to it, rathered sleep.
Things in life are good, moving out in 6 weeks with some mates =)
Boy is good, still seeing others tho.
Work is pretty tough and the long days are taking their toll but i like it.
have no idea wat my weight is and i dont wanna know, when i feel more comfortable i'll weigh in.
Post 2moz.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Never felt this way
I feel empty...and i feel like something really bad is gonna happen soon and i have no way to stop it.
I cant explain why i feel this but i just do.
I hate feeling, im starting to hate living.
I just want it all to end.
I cant explain why i feel this but i just do.
I hate feeling, im starting to hate living.
I just want it all to end.
Friday, July 23, 2010
That one moment...
we all know it, when it changes everything.
When suddenly out of nowhere the lust we once had to live this life in a healthy, in a undestructive way disappears as fast as you can count to 2.
For some of us there have been many moments like this, that make us believe that no-one else cares of our wellbeing so why should we or that we will only be loved by those we most crave it if and only when we see that number at its lowest.
My point is, i no longer care...i dont wanna have an eating disorder because i dont, but i dont care anymore if my food choices are destructive and hurting me. How can anyone expect me to be happy if all i can think about day and night how my body is getting bigger and bigger because i cant do anything about it, because they tell me i dont need to.
This whole week has been a struggle, the boy has complicated it so im gonna not care about him too, we all know he's not gonna stick around so fuck him.
I will shrink and i dont care who i hurt doing it this time.
When suddenly out of nowhere the lust we once had to live this life in a healthy, in a undestructive way disappears as fast as you can count to 2.
For some of us there have been many moments like this, that make us believe that no-one else cares of our wellbeing so why should we or that we will only be loved by those we most crave it if and only when we see that number at its lowest.
My point is, i no longer care...i dont wanna have an eating disorder because i dont, but i dont care anymore if my food choices are destructive and hurting me. How can anyone expect me to be happy if all i can think about day and night how my body is getting bigger and bigger because i cant do anything about it, because they tell me i dont need to.
This whole week has been a struggle, the boy has complicated it so im gonna not care about him too, we all know he's not gonna stick around so fuck him.
I will shrink and i dont care who i hurt doing it this time.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Life gets messy
Just got back from the gym, so excited to be back into this.
Did 20 mins cardio as warm up and cool down and all my upper body weights =) ( good effort considering how long i haven't worked out)
All i've had today so far is a BL shake so 208 cals. will eat more later on.
Life has been messy of late, had a car accident on the weekend.
So... im out 7 grand, but i'll be fine. Was so lucky tho, was extremely hungova and lucky the chick i hit didn't wanna call the police coz my parents vouched for me that i could pay for her car and my own no probs, thank fuck tho, would've got done for dui.
Learnt my lesson tho, always take the day off after a nite out so i have no reason for driving.
The nite before it was awesome tho, went out in newy and got fucking smashed, was still hitting it hard on the train home with tron doing scoth whiskey shots =) Jack also really wanted me that nite so my plan worked as always.
Me and the boy are fine, still dont want a relationship and either does he so we're on the same page atm, but i must confess, i do have feelings for him, which i didn't expect.
People at work know now, and his ex ( who we also work with and who is a 17 yr old brat) is making trouble of it. He broke up with her and she moved onto his mate and now she keeps posting shit on fb about how jack screwed her over and i stole him from her, when they broke up months b4 jack and i even hooked up, hate the bitch. wonder what her current bf thinks of the situation?
In a finaicial bind atm, pretty much not gonna have a social life till my car is fixed and i've replaced my savings ( for a house deposit), but hey thats ok, i'll survive.
Weighing in at 51.6 kg today, not so much worried bout the weight right now, just tone, as my clothes look margins better when i am tight and not round.
Pretty much it for now, sorry í haven't been posting, life is busy and its hard to find time when ur on the go all the time.
Will make more effort i promise =)
Love u!
Did 20 mins cardio as warm up and cool down and all my upper body weights =) ( good effort considering how long i haven't worked out)
All i've had today so far is a BL shake so 208 cals. will eat more later on.
Life has been messy of late, had a car accident on the weekend.
So... im out 7 grand, but i'll be fine. Was so lucky tho, was extremely hungova and lucky the chick i hit didn't wanna call the police coz my parents vouched for me that i could pay for her car and my own no probs, thank fuck tho, would've got done for dui.
Learnt my lesson tho, always take the day off after a nite out so i have no reason for driving.
The nite before it was awesome tho, went out in newy and got fucking smashed, was still hitting it hard on the train home with tron doing scoth whiskey shots =) Jack also really wanted me that nite so my plan worked as always.
Me and the boy are fine, still dont want a relationship and either does he so we're on the same page atm, but i must confess, i do have feelings for him, which i didn't expect.
People at work know now, and his ex ( who we also work with and who is a 17 yr old brat) is making trouble of it. He broke up with her and she moved onto his mate and now she keeps posting shit on fb about how jack screwed her over and i stole him from her, when they broke up months b4 jack and i even hooked up, hate the bitch. wonder what her current bf thinks of the situation?
In a finaicial bind atm, pretty much not gonna have a social life till my car is fixed and i've replaced my savings ( for a house deposit), but hey thats ok, i'll survive.
Weighing in at 51.6 kg today, not so much worried bout the weight right now, just tone, as my clothes look margins better when i am tight and not round.
Pretty much it for now, sorry í haven't been posting, life is busy and its hard to find time when ur on the go all the time.
Will make more effort i promise =)
Love u!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
24 hour gym pass!!!
The new rhianna will be here soon, love 24 hour gyms, right next door to work also =)
Not much has been happening, my weight has dropped to 51 but im flabbier then eva.
Been having alot of sex, with the one boy, but it'll never lead to more.
Been drinking way too much, to the point of i dont remember the nites.
thats it for now, i dont have time to write more, life is getting busy.
Not much has been happening, my weight has dropped to 51 but im flabbier then eva.
Been having alot of sex, with the one boy, but it'll never lead to more.
Been drinking way too much, to the point of i dont remember the nites.
thats it for now, i dont have time to write more, life is getting busy.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Update...
Weight 53kg.
Binging has been out of control of late. Been smokin like a chimney also which is feral.
Been having fun with a boy from work, we'll call him JV, i went to his birthday party two weeks ago and it pretty much started from there, we were in newy near customs sitting on the grass he was a good 30 metres from me, and i announced to the four ppl sitting with me " i really want jack right now" and it got back to him when i disappeared into the northern for shots...its fun. I like having a secret at work ( we're not telling ppl coz we're not together).
Anywayz today i went for a run =) and i've only had a quarter of my 96 cal yoghurt cup...trying to drink lots of water so i can convince my body it is full but watevs.
Im on close tonight so not binging wont be hard =)
thats it for now.
xx
Binging has been out of control of late. Been smokin like a chimney also which is feral.
Been having fun with a boy from work, we'll call him JV, i went to his birthday party two weeks ago and it pretty much started from there, we were in newy near customs sitting on the grass he was a good 30 metres from me, and i announced to the four ppl sitting with me " i really want jack right now" and it got back to him when i disappeared into the northern for shots...its fun. I like having a secret at work ( we're not telling ppl coz we're not together).
Anywayz today i went for a run =) and i've only had a quarter of my 96 cal yoghurt cup...trying to drink lots of water so i can convince my body it is full but watevs.
Im on close tonight so not binging wont be hard =)
thats it for now.
xx
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sorry for the lack of postage...
but my net has been down for the last week and a half.
Will fill u in on all the exciting things that have happened and will catch up on reading.
Love u all.
xx
Will fill u in on all the exciting things that have happened and will catch up on reading.
Love u all.
xx
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